Wedding Woes

I'm a member of a couple of online wedding communities and today someone asked if she should just elope because so many people said they wished they had. It gave me a good opportunity to reflect on my anxiety about my wedding and why I'm doing it. I thought I'd share it with you as a way to let you know where things are in my wedding planning, and where my head is at.

I've got two and a half months to go, am SUPER behind on stuff, DIDN'T know what I wanted going into this, have a groom with real live opinions on stuff so I don't have the luxury of just saying, "That. Yes that. Fine. I'll do that," but instead we have to talk about everything which is something the whole wedding industry assured me wouldn't be the case (I'm glad he cares but sometimes I just want him to rubber stamp my decisions), he's in Canada while I'm in Florida, and the budget has ballooned from $4k (we had no idea!) to $10k (after looking at prices for things) to around $15k (after some gifts from our family, but oh my god why are we spending so much I am terrified).

I'm not feeling like a very good bride. I have no clear vision and have been dealing with a family illness, school, and work. Wedding shit takes a back seat. I keep telling myself that after finals (next week!) I'll finally make up for what I haven't accomplished. I feel like some things are just going to be lacking or wonky, though, and there's nothing one can do. We're 2.5 months out. A lot of things that are done are done and a lot of things that aren't, won't be. 

I'm still looking forward to the wedding and wouldn't dream of eloping, though. I think my foundation for this is that we both have pretty happy, harmonious families. It might not be worth it if they were all at each others' throats, if we had to juggle different dramatic (adult) babies who don't know how to play nice for the greater good, etc. Also, we have a small wedding party with incredibly low-key and dependable people, so you don't get any of those nightmare "Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids" crap going on. The ceremony and reception might not end up looking how we want it, but I think when it's over it'll feel like we want, and we can't get that feeling without having all these people whom we love with us. 

Making a list and checking it twice obsessively.

So there you have it. I'm overwhelmed. School has sort of taken over my life right now and with next week being finals, it will only get worse before it gets better. I'm sick to my stomach at the thought of  all the work I have to do. It's stressful. It's not some magical time where people feed you mini wedding cakes and you get to bark out orders. It's a time of serious money stress (no matter what your budget is), guilt and anxiety about your hospitality choices, and guilt for spending so much time and effort on something that really is only one day of your life.

As a bride, I'm pulled in a lot of different directions, from vendors shouting that it's my special day and everything should be perfect to wedding haters complaining about every choice made in a wedding (and attributing it solely to the bride, of course) to family and friends who have their opinions/wishlist for things at the wedding. Oh, I guess there's what Chris and I want in that mix, too. Almost forgot about that! It's a bit stressful. I'm sure not working and  having a year to plan would have helped, but that's not the way it went.

I'm trying to remain positive, like in my message to the elopement question girl. It's sometimes hard. It feels like I'm being asked a whole lot, and to be responsible for so much. I also feel like a screw-up for letting things get so far away from me. All I can do now is put my nose down and get on with it, though. It will work out or it will be a funny story.

Right?