It'll Be Great (Right?)

OH JEEZ SCHOOL STARTS TOMORROW. OH MAN. OH GOSH.

So I'm a little nervous. I've got three classes starting tomorrow, all subjects I've taken, gotten discouraged, and then just stopped doing any of the work. That old perfectionism thing I've talked about before. I really think I can handle the work load, handle the tests, and that if I find myself struggling, I'm in a position of being able to cut back on hours, ask for help from my family, or do something to help straighten things out. I can wipe these unpleasant grades off my GPA, even if the originals still linger on my transcript for any really interested parties who want to see it. My concern is that I'll get overwhelmed and give up, which I can see my parents are worried about too. They've seen it happened, and it upsets them as much as me.

I don't want to let anyone down. I want to be able to go into a 101-level class with an interesting subject and just knock it out of the park, like I should have been able to do the first time.

I have a hard time remembering that college classes are about more than intelligence. It was confusing to be (hold on to your hats, I'm about to be super conceited) smarter than many of my peers but see them do better than me in these courses, but I'm starting to get it. I wasn't mature enough to manage my own time. I wasn't secure enough in my vision of myself to allow myself to turn in work that wasn't my best and still think I was an okay person. I wasn't willing to admit my weakness to professors or fellow students and ask for help. I had a lot of things going for me, but I had a lot holding me back. I was just as disadvantaged as someone who came in who didn't have a great family environment that nurtured curiosity or who didn't graduate from fantastic schools with invested, interesting teachers.

I've grown since then. I'm not the person I used to be. In fact, I don't like the person I used to be very much, but I'm trying to be gentle, because I just wasn't as far along as I needed to be to get important things accomplished. I'm better than I was, more responsible and more motivated to do what needs to be done. I have accomplished a lot of things in a short amount of time, and it's not going to stop. I'm going to keep kicking butt. I'm going to be successful.

Even if that means I sometimes have to turn in "C" quality work because I overextended myself or didn't prepare, having the courage to be less than perfect is so much better than being inflexible and failing. I can look back to, among other things, my struggles with weight and see that, yes there were days that I ate over 2000 calories, and yes there were entire months I didn't exercise, but I've (very nearly) accomplished my goal because I was willing to do the mundane, unglamorous little work consistently, and because I was able to come back and try again over and over after setbacks and slowdowns.

I now have a model of personal success upon which to reflect when I'm having trouble finding the motivation to attack my school work, and I think that will help carry me through. Here's hoping, anyway. ^_^

Back to School

I've been going to college off and on for six years without anything to show for it, really, because I used to struggle a lot with self-discipline, motivation, and perfectionism. I still struggle with each of those from time to time (ask me about that weigh-in I don't want to do this morning), but I'm better than I was. I've proven to myself what I can do when determined, when I accept 90% instead of nothing less than 100%, and when I just do little things all the time instead of leaving a mountain of work for the last minute.

What I'm saying is, I'm going back to school. I have a number of classes I want to retake to raise my GPA, and I have Florida Prepaid College credits left in my account. I'm totally going back to school. This is awesome, guys.

Today I'm going to print my transcript, look at the three or four classes I want to retake, and start playing with a schedule. This is so exciting!

Letting Go of Guilt

So I have this thing that's been a problem for me for just about forever, and it's happening again. First, I fall off the wagon with something I'm gung-ho about, or maybe forget to do something that was important. I don't call for someone's birthday or thank someone for a lovely Valentine's Day card or I kind of slip out of blogging. Then I realize that the window for gracefully doing these things is kind of past me. It's a week later and I really should have called or emailed or blogged and I just haven't. The longer I wait, the worse I feel and it just spirals into something that's self-sustaining and horrible.

I've got to get over this. It's caused too many problems for too long, and it gives me all the negative affects (people think I'm a jerk, I don't get things done) as if I was really careless about this stuff while caring, really caring, the whole darn time.

So let's do this.

Ashleigh, I'm sorry I haven't been a better friend. I had a lot going on when I first got to Jacksonville and I didn't make a priority of hanging out with you when I should have. You're a great friend and I want to be a better one to you.

Kristen, thanks for the Valentine's card. It was super sweet, had an awesome squirrel on it, and I should have thanked you right away but didn't. I'm sorry about that. We kept it on the kitchen table for a few weeks, though, because Chris and I both really liked it.

Readers of this blog, I'm sorry. I let other things get in the way and then every time I wanted to post I'd tell myself it wasn't interesting or I didn't have enough time, and then suddenly I've only posted four times in May! Ahh! So I'm going to try to be better. I'm going to make more of an effort to choose cool things that are going on in my life and share them with you, and if I don't have anything cool going on, maybe I'll take that as a sign to be more interesting.

I'm going to forgive myself for the weigh-ins I've missed, not telling you about the newest member of the Hansen household, and something I've accomplished that I'm really proud of, and hopefully this week I can get back on the wagon of being a dedicated blogger and share all that and more with you. Thanks for your understanding and taking the time to read this. I appreciate it.

This is hard!

Domestic Good Enough-ess.

This isn't going to be news to anyone, but getting several parts of your life on track at one time is really challenging. As I mentioned before, I'm no natural at typical homemaking duties. I struggle with prioritizing different tasks, the willpower to delay gratification ("Just five more minutes!" might be one of my top five phrases), and am not known for cleaning as I go.

A month ago, I'd started to really rock it in terms of keeping the apartment in order, crossing off things on my to-do list, and making great meals, even for company. That's when my eating fell off a cliff and I gained, well, I don't know what I gained, because I was too scared to step on the scale. Now everything has flip-flopped and I'm down a few pounds, eating and exercising like a rock star, but struggling to wash the dishes every day.

I fall prey to my internal perfectionist, the one who tells me if it's not going to be perfect, why should I even bother? The one who doesn't accept partial credit, the one for whom anything but the best is never enough. You know what? It's time to bring in the FlyLady, because that seems to be the only voice my crazy perfectionist brain will hear when it's all worked up. You ready, crazybrain? Here we go:

"Housework done incorrectly will still bless your family. It may not be done the way your Momma taught you. But it will be done. This will make your home shine and you will smile. I am so proud of you for Blessing Your Home!" - FlyLady

You hear that? Ease up! Only cleaning one corner of a room means there's that much less to do the next time you walk in there. Only having the courage to leave the house for an hour will make it that much easier to break out of the prison of anxiety the next time you feel like you really need to get out of the house. Only having the time for frozen vegetables instead of fresh is so much better than just throwing up your hands and going out to eat. Baby steps, Whitney!

Baby steps!

Back on the fatfront, today I weighed myself and I was 182.6 lbs. That's great! To be fair, I was naked, where my original weigh-in picture on Thursday was clothed, but it's encouraging! I was thinking of doing a weekly weigh-in on Thursdays, but it might be more fun to do it on Tuesdays, since September 20th is a Tuesday. Hmm. Well, I have I day to figure it out, I suppose.