It'll Be Great (Right?)

OH JEEZ SCHOOL STARTS TOMORROW. OH MAN. OH GOSH.

So I'm a little nervous. I've got three classes starting tomorrow, all subjects I've taken, gotten discouraged, and then just stopped doing any of the work. That old perfectionism thing I've talked about before. I really think I can handle the work load, handle the tests, and that if I find myself struggling, I'm in a position of being able to cut back on hours, ask for help from my family, or do something to help straighten things out. I can wipe these unpleasant grades off my GPA, even if the originals still linger on my transcript for any really interested parties who want to see it. My concern is that I'll get overwhelmed and give up, which I can see my parents are worried about too. They've seen it happened, and it upsets them as much as me.

I don't want to let anyone down. I want to be able to go into a 101-level class with an interesting subject and just knock it out of the park, like I should have been able to do the first time.

I have a hard time remembering that college classes are about more than intelligence. It was confusing to be (hold on to your hats, I'm about to be super conceited) smarter than many of my peers but see them do better than me in these courses, but I'm starting to get it. I wasn't mature enough to manage my own time. I wasn't secure enough in my vision of myself to allow myself to turn in work that wasn't my best and still think I was an okay person. I wasn't willing to admit my weakness to professors or fellow students and ask for help. I had a lot of things going for me, but I had a lot holding me back. I was just as disadvantaged as someone who came in who didn't have a great family environment that nurtured curiosity or who didn't graduate from fantastic schools with invested, interesting teachers.

I've grown since then. I'm not the person I used to be. In fact, I don't like the person I used to be very much, but I'm trying to be gentle, because I just wasn't as far along as I needed to be to get important things accomplished. I'm better than I was, more responsible and more motivated to do what needs to be done. I have accomplished a lot of things in a short amount of time, and it's not going to stop. I'm going to keep kicking butt. I'm going to be successful.

Even if that means I sometimes have to turn in "C" quality work because I overextended myself or didn't prepare, having the courage to be less than perfect is so much better than being inflexible and failing. I can look back to, among other things, my struggles with weight and see that, yes there were days that I ate over 2000 calories, and yes there were entire months I didn't exercise, but I've (very nearly) accomplished my goal because I was willing to do the mundane, unglamorous little work consistently, and because I was able to come back and try again over and over after setbacks and slowdowns.

I now have a model of personal success upon which to reflect when I'm having trouble finding the motivation to attack my school work, and I think that will help carry me through. Here's hoping, anyway. ^_^