It'll Be Great (Right?)

OH JEEZ SCHOOL STARTS TOMORROW. OH MAN. OH GOSH.

So I'm a little nervous. I've got three classes starting tomorrow, all subjects I've taken, gotten discouraged, and then just stopped doing any of the work. That old perfectionism thing I've talked about before. I really think I can handle the work load, handle the tests, and that if I find myself struggling, I'm in a position of being able to cut back on hours, ask for help from my family, or do something to help straighten things out. I can wipe these unpleasant grades off my GPA, even if the originals still linger on my transcript for any really interested parties who want to see it. My concern is that I'll get overwhelmed and give up, which I can see my parents are worried about too. They've seen it happened, and it upsets them as much as me.

I don't want to let anyone down. I want to be able to go into a 101-level class with an interesting subject and just knock it out of the park, like I should have been able to do the first time.

I have a hard time remembering that college classes are about more than intelligence. It was confusing to be (hold on to your hats, I'm about to be super conceited) smarter than many of my peers but see them do better than me in these courses, but I'm starting to get it. I wasn't mature enough to manage my own time. I wasn't secure enough in my vision of myself to allow myself to turn in work that wasn't my best and still think I was an okay person. I wasn't willing to admit my weakness to professors or fellow students and ask for help. I had a lot of things going for me, but I had a lot holding me back. I was just as disadvantaged as someone who came in who didn't have a great family environment that nurtured curiosity or who didn't graduate from fantastic schools with invested, interesting teachers.

I've grown since then. I'm not the person I used to be. In fact, I don't like the person I used to be very much, but I'm trying to be gentle, because I just wasn't as far along as I needed to be to get important things accomplished. I'm better than I was, more responsible and more motivated to do what needs to be done. I have accomplished a lot of things in a short amount of time, and it's not going to stop. I'm going to keep kicking butt. I'm going to be successful.

Even if that means I sometimes have to turn in "C" quality work because I overextended myself or didn't prepare, having the courage to be less than perfect is so much better than being inflexible and failing. I can look back to, among other things, my struggles with weight and see that, yes there were days that I ate over 2000 calories, and yes there were entire months I didn't exercise, but I've (very nearly) accomplished my goal because I was willing to do the mundane, unglamorous little work consistently, and because I was able to come back and try again over and over after setbacks and slowdowns.

I now have a model of personal success upon which to reflect when I'm having trouble finding the motivation to attack my school work, and I think that will help carry me through. Here's hoping, anyway. ^_^

Weigh-In Week #29

Another late weigh-in, another mildly disappointing number. I'm down, but not down a ton. I guess when you've lost 60 pounds in about a year, gotten engaged, have a job, and are going back to school, STUFF SLOWS DOWN. I'd love to be lower than 3.2 pounds down in three weeks, but I know any loss is good.

Now I'm just looking forward to the finish line for my original goal. I have five and a half pounds to lose in five and a half weeks. Is that perfect or what? It's realistic but kind of suspenseful. I'm so excited and nervous. I never set big official goals, certainly not publically, and maybe that's why I rarely achieve so much. Wish me luck!

Wedding Progress Report

We have a lot to do in preparing for our wedding, but there have been a lot of good things we've gotten accomplished so far. Here's a wrap-up:

An orange and grey inspiration board

• We've picked our color scheme (orange and grey)
• We've picked a date (February 25th, 2012)
• We've chosen and put down a deposit on our ceremony location
• We've chosen and put down a deposit for our reception location
• We've both taken FOCCUS, the pre-marriage inventory for those wishing to marry in the Catholic Church
• We've found who we really want to be our photographer and are very close to meeting with her and signing a contract
• I bought my wedding dress!
• We've found a DJ we think we like, but we're not 100% sure if we'll ultimately go with him
• We have a vague idea on our invitations and wedding website, but we've got somebody capable handling them, which is kind of the most important thing
• We know from whom we'll be ordering our wedding cake

I feel like there are more things we've done, but I can't think of them all. We've got a ways to go, but it feels great to look back and see everything we've accomplished in such a short time.

Asking For Help - Apparently, It Works!

Today I mentioned to my boss that I was looking for more hours and I picked up one shift this week, an extra hour on one of my already scheduled shifts, a promise to be trained on the host stand tomorrow, and a shift next week hosting!

Apparently, it's pretty common for servers at our restaurant to snub hosting shifts because you only make minimum wage, but an extra shift here and there is an extra shift, and I'd rather work three serving shifts and one hosting each week than having to hunt for another job to either compliment or replace this one. I like this job. I finally know the people and the procedures, and I'm getting better at it.

Work today was pretty average, but overcoming my nervousness and doing this made me feel like I'd done something awesome. It's not about the wimpy $7.31 an hour, it's about being braver, and asking for things I deserve. If the hours hadn't been available, I'd look elsewhere, but I'm glad I didn't let a little case of nerves keep me from doing that.

Wedding Dresses

I found my wedding dress and it's hanging in my bedroom, but I thought I'd share a few pictures of dresses I looked at that didn't make the cut. These are from a consignment store I checked out a few weeks ago, the very day I ended up finding my wonderful dress from Park Avenue Bridal. Half of these were pretty cool and could have been good choices for my dress, but the other two are better left for another bride. Pardon the dressing room mirror shots, I was all alone.

This dress I actually really liked. It's different, and I thought the little sash was a really cool addition I just hadn't seen anywhere else. The bottom (not pictured) wasn't particularly poofy, though, and it felt a bit too sleek and small for what I'd been imagining.

 Man, can you say "thin"? You can see my belly button through this dress, and the seams! I'm not opposed to wearing shapewear for the perfect dress, but the fit and the details just weren't there for me. Ah, well.

Another really cool dress, I couldn't believe how nice the straps looked. I guess their being set really wide on the bodice made it look so different than just a tank top or halter style of shirt. I love the ruched top, too. This was definitely a contender.

Oh man. This isn't me AT ALL. I tried it on to get a feel for something totally out of my comfort zone, said, "Well, that's that," and never looked back.

So what do you think? Do you think I should have gone with any of these? Of course I have a picture of me in the dress I ended up wearing, but I'm not sharing it here where Chris can see it, so you'll just have to wait until February 25th!

Weigh-In Week #26

So last week I weighed in at 157.6 pounds. This week I'm down three pounds to 154.6. Yaaaay! This is very welcome news, and reflects me getting my act together as far as exercise and eating are concerned.

Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for months.

This means I've lost 32 pounds in 26 weeks, or 1.23 pounds a week. Not bad! I've got about 8.5 weeks in which to lose my final 8 pounds to accomplish my goal, and I'm pretty confident I can do it.

How I Ate:

This week, I ate an average of 1348 calories a day, which is a bit higher than my goal calorie count per day, but I really worked on bringing my eating back in line with my goals and eating more fruits and vegetables. It's so much easier to feel full and fueled with 300 calories of lean protein, whole wheat, fruits, and veggies than just carbs, fat, and protein in about that order. I know this, but sometimes it's easy to forget.

How I Moved:

This was a great week in that I FINALLY got back into the gym. I pay for it, I might as well show up, huh? I went twice this weigh-in week, and I burned 1044 calories between the two trips. Granted, this week I only did cardio, but I hope to get back into weights in the next week or so. For now, the emphasis is on showing up, which is fine as I'm just getting back into the groove.

How I Felt:

Good. I've been a bit anxious about money, but with my week of work ahead of me, I should be fine. Probably. ^_^ As for other things, I do feel a tiny bit overwhelmed at the Big Things I have looming on the horizon, from the wedding to returning to school to Chris's upcoming graduation and (hopefully!) move to Orlando. I'm trying not to let it throw me off track from my more daily goals, the money/food/housework stuff, while keeping an eye out for what I can be doing now for the biggies. I know there's a lot to do in preperation for the wedding, I've just been a bit less on the ball for handling it these last two weeks. I should put in some time soon.

As for fitness, well, I'm psyched to be back on track and I'm really proud of being so close to my goal. If all goes well, I should definitely hit my 40 pound mark before the end date.

Free Range Kids

Today I read a really fascinating article from the New York Times, "Can a Playground Be Too Safe?" which really got me thinking about how I hope to raise any kids I eventually have. I know it's pretty common these days to want to make everything children encounter sanitized and safe, but I'm kind of resistant to that because I think kids need to hurt themselves in little ways, need to be exposed to germs in order to develop antibodies, and need to learn to be brave and a little mischievous. This is a pretty easy position to take, having no kids and all. I wonder if, when and if the time comes for me, I'd be able to stick to these ideals.

First of all, it's not something I'm 100% sure of. I had no younger siblings and I only babysit for our neighbors once or twice. What do I know about childhood development, beyond what I experienced as a child? Not much. I do plan to do some extensive reading on the subject before this is ever an issue, including Lenore Skenazy's Free Range Kids, her book about "Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry," according to the cover. I heard an interview with her once on NPR and really dug the message, I also intend to look into the opinions of people who disagree with her and attempt to cobble together some idea of what's right, but I know which way I'm leaning going into things.

What worries me when I think about my (hypothetical future) kids isn't that they'll get scratched while at the park, it's the junk television kids watch these days. It's the commercials for everything toy they ABSOLUTELY NEED right now, and it's the criminally stupid children's programming on Disney and Cartoon Network and Nick. I don't like the attitude of a lot of the kids on kids' TV, and I wouldn't want my kids emulating them. It freaks me out to think of having one of those kids who has a meltdown if he or she doesn't get exactly what he or she wanted for Christmas, and I hope that with some good parenting books and some diligence, I never end up with that.

My goal, I guess, should be to weigh benefits with risks, and not just assume that because something is highly publicized, that it's necessarily common. Consider the amount of news time given to kidnapping by strangers versus the 2009 statistic that only 115 kids in the US were abducted in the "stereotypical," stranger who wants to murder or ransom or keep fashion. Usually when abductions occur, it's by crazy people you already know, not some creeper off the street. Similarly, while it's not the most flashy news story, the number one killer of kids in the US is auto accidents. I think concern is a good thing, but if we're equally terrified of everything, we're going to stunt their growth and make our own lives fraught with unnecessary anxiety.

I can only imagine how hard it is to do less than everything in the world to protect your child, but I think that's why it's important to read things like this and learn what psychologists and others say about raising kids and not just rely on the people who want to market the latest, greatest, "safest" thing to us in the form of commercials, magazine articles, or outrageous product claims.

My Triumphant Return

Yesterday, for the first time in over a month, I went back to the gym! I've been struggling with this weird anxiety about going back to the gym, but I know that I really need to spend some calories to reach my goal of weighing 146 pounds by September 20th. I finally just told myself, "Whitney this isn't going to be the best day at the gym ever in the world, and you're not going to be doing weights or spinning or something crazy like that. The goal is to show up."

And I did! I listened to some comedy I'd put on Dad's MP3 player, drank two bottles of water, and spent about 40 minutes between the treadmill and the stair machine. I burned 466 calories according to my heart rate monitor, and when I left, I felt like a million bucks. Except for my silly outfit, red face and sweaty ponytail hair, but whatever.

Something about working out always seems to make me want to eat healthier, though I've found that simply eating well doesn't make me want to work out. There's something about the concentrated, specific act of exercise, that makes me want to make more great choices while the day long choices involved in eating properly doesn't. Just changing your diet can make me feel smug or deprived, but it doesn't make me feel quite so energized.

Weigh-In #25

Unfortunately, it's really hard to look at old weigh-in posts from my phone (which is how I'm posting this because my laptop is broken), so I don't know exactly how bad this weigh-in really is, but I know isn't great.

I'm working to get back on track. I'm tracking calories again, something I think I mentioned in a previous post. I'm also going back to just refried beans at work, no delicious and caloric chicken tacos, at least no more than once a week.

Meanwhile, I really, really, really need to get to the gym. Really. I'm paying for it, I need to kick my weight loss into high gear thanks to the last few weeks, and it's fun when I go.
I am committed to continuing the great strides I've taken so far, and I'm not going to give up at my first setback, because I know it won't be my last.

Hurdles

This has been a challenging week.

About a week ago, I got my schedule from work and found I'd be working 16 hours total for the next two weeks, something that is going to make money pretty darn tight for a bit here. Then I got pink eye, which I get more than any adult on the planet who isn't a parent or teacher. That made me have to call off one of my days at work, so I'm actually going to be working 13.5 hours these two weeks. Thankfully, Mom and Dad bought me some Similasan drops that really helped a lot. When I woke up today and could see out of both of my eyes, I knew things had turned a corner for the better. I was wrong.

My computer fell on the floor and, though it starts up just fine and makes the happy little Windows noise, there is nothing on my screen. It's black. I am so sad. I'm able to hook it up to the monitor of our desktop, so my data is accessible, I'm just going to have to wait a while before I can have it fixed. In the meantime, I'm going to be organizing and backing up my files onto my Mediafire account just in case the computer gives up the good fight (it had better not), so I don't lose all my pictures, ebooks, etc.

So. Not awesome. It's going to be alright, though. First of all, Dad's numbers were so good that he didn't have to have chemo on Monday, so they put it off for another week. Second, I managed to clean out my room and closet and they both look SPECTACULAR. Seriously, we're not talking about HGTV's Design Star here, but it's functional and clean and I have lots of room to move around and be happy. Third, I'm back on the fitness track. I'm logging my eating, making good choices (mostly!) and just trying to be aware of the impact my decisions have on the bottom line, or my weight. Finally, I'm enrolled in college! I'm going to raise my GPA! My classes are paid for and I can bargain hunt online for books and everything, just everything, is going to be great. It really is.